Summer Acceptance and Finally Freedom

July 4th. Independence Day. Let freedom ring while we eat a variety of barbecued unmentionables and enjoy pyrotechnicians creating art in the sky.  I hesitated in writing about this because I don’t want my blog to be a venting space, but I realized the eclectic nature of my posts are what make it uniquely mine.

Backstory:  Getting through the spring trimester seemed insurmountable because on March 2nd, a gentlemen, presumably heading to work just as I was, failed to look in the direction he was driving and smashed into my car.  My car was totaled and the base of my thumb was crushed by the airbag.

What was hurting me most though, was the resentment I had over this injury and the recovery over which I had no control.  And when you are an alcoholic, resentment has the power to destroy, and I felt very powerless over letting it tear me apart.  I barely got myself out of bed on weekends and paid little attention to my daughter and husband.  I ignored emails from my mom and shut myself out from letting her help me. I lashed out at people on Twitter, both overtly and in subtle ways.  I pushed away friends and neglected relationships, some of which I may not be able to recover.

Step Ten of Alcoholics Anonymous states, “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” I’m thankful that I am a teacher for a multitude of reasons, and the summer off is giving me the time to find clarity and strength to rebuild what I have broken down in my state of depression.  Since school has ended, I have gotten myself out to visit with the three dimensional people on weekends, and I’m working on interacting more positively on Twitter.  I’m trying to repair broken relationships with people I pushed out of my life especially my mom, who I know always loves me.  And I’ve spent quality time with my child and my spouse.  And I am happy again. Genuinely joyful and self-accepting.  And free form the burden of resentment.

I went to an AA meeting recently, and someone made a reference to a paragraph in the Big Book on acceptance.  I marked it, have read it many times in the last few months, and am going to end this post with it:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, Chapter 16, page 417

12 Comments

  1. Megan, I’ve been feeling guilty all spring for not reaching out to you after your accident and surgery. I had surgery on both hands between my girls, and I know firsthand (groan) how awful and incapacitating it is. I wondered how you were doing and thought it must be rough. I’m sorry I never wrote. I should have found the time. Whatever, this isn’t about me. It’s about you and I’m so glad to hear you are feeling good and happy again! I hope you have an awesome, rejuvenating summer. And I think it’s amazing that you are sober after this dark time. I know that took all kinds of courage, bravery, and hard work. Deep bow. () You’re amazing.

    • Thank you very much, Tracy for reaching out. You are an incredible woman who has battled through a lot recently. Full disclosure, every time I saw your name in my TL, I would admire the way you’ve fought with grace and humility. And it truly helped me. YOU, Tracy, are amazing. Never take for granted how many people you inspire by just being you.

  2. Megan, thank you for your honesty and courage in writing this post. I’m so glad that you are able to write about this as a way of healing and demonstrating the emotional healing from this accident.

    This post was a much needed jolt for me. I haven’t been happy for awhile and not feeling good about that (of course). The bitterness and resentment are coats I’ve put on but don’t want to wear. I need to take them off by accepting life on life’s terms. While I don’t struggle with alcohol addiction, I am somewhat versed in the 12 steps and this was a good reminder of both the Serenity Prayer and Step 10 for me. Much work to do.

    Thank you for multiplying the healing by writing your own beautiful story.

    Jana

  3. Pingback: Everyday Endeavors | Number Loving Beagle

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